Dating Tips and Relationship Advice
Choosing Well! So Important!
by Karren Gauvin on 05/08/12
I just returned from a beautiful week in Hawaii. I was invited as a guest and became part of a conference group. This group represented the top 10 percent of the company, the cream of the crop. What I found interesting was the majority of the attendees were married. There were very few single people in attendance. And many of these couples seemed very connected with their spouses who they have been with for many years.
So what is their secret? In many cases, they have learned to ride the highs and lows, realizing that perfection doesn’t exist and that acceptance is key to happiness. It is a good lesson for those that are still single. By 40 or 50 most of us have been in a significant relationship or two. Some fall to the wayside due to poor choices, lack of relationship/life skills or outside factors.
The good news is that we are always growing and learning! And one of the most important factors going forward is making the right choice to start with. These couples may or may not have done that but learned to adjust. If you are in the wonderful position of starting for the first time or starting again, learn from the successful people! We all know it is easy to get into a relationship, it is the maintaining or making an exit that is a chore. It is sad but true that most of us spend more time contemplating and analyzing what kind of car to buy than contemplating what we REALLY need in a person we want to spend our lives with.
As a matchmaker, I have heard every possible list of “must
haves” over the years.
He must be successful, generous, tall, handsome, fit, be close with his family, look good in jeans, ski, surf, and ballroom dance. He should stand when I get up to go to the ladies room, have a good sense of humor but not tell jokes, be charming, generous, and adore me.
She must be gorgeous, slender, fit, fun, loyal, look great in jeans or a little black dress, have nice eyes, be a good listener. She should have a successful career but be able to work around mine and fit into my life.
They all should like cuddling by the fire and walking hand in hand on the beach.
I don’t want to belittle anyone’s wish list. Some of those wishes have been on my list as well. But as I watch the successful couples (the top 10 percent), they are not all fit and beautiful. Some are slender, some are not … Some are charismatic but not buff, some look fantastic in their bathing suits but are on the shy side. Some are funny, some are serious, some crazy, some reserved …. But not one would fit all the criteria that most of us have put on our wish lists.
Should we have a wish list? Absolutely! But it requires deep contemplation. As Stephen Covey in the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People says:
“Start with the end in mind”. Picture yourself at the end of your life.
· How will I want to be remembered?
· What will I want people to know and say about me?
· What will I be proud of when I am sitting on my front porch when I am 85?
· This person I am choosing to be part of my life, will they support that vision?
· Are they the kind of person that would enable me to “be who I need to be” in order to live that vision?
· Will they accept me as I age and transition in my life?
· Are they kind and supportive of my family and the people in my life?
Yes, fitness and health are important for a long and fruitful life and we need to be attracted to our partners and it is great if they ski or run or climb mountains. But when all of that starts to fade (which NEWSFLASH it will !!!), as we age and slow down, the hair is greying and the wrinkles form, our children have children, when the “little black dress” changes to just “the black dress” … let’s hope there is someone that accepts us and loves our quirks and foibles.
If we have taken the time to get to know ourselves and to know who we want to be, the choice will become simple. It may not be easy (Is she out there? Where is he?)… But simple nonetheless. The top 10 percent get it …
This person we are choosing? They will be our closest witness, the witness to our lives. I want my witness to genuinely like me!!
For more information on Custom Private Search Matching, contact Karren at www.matchmakingcanada.com
Infatuation or Love?
by Karren Gauvin on 04/14/12
Some things do not change! We think we have evolved (and perhaps we have in many areas) but the simple truth remains simple and true! I came across this old Ann Landers article. Love it!
Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.
Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"
Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy. Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check. Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.
Love is elevating. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It lifts you up.
It makes you a better person.
--Ann Landers
Dating Tips ... "What to Do" and "What Not to Do"
by Karren Gauvin on 04/03/12
After years and years of hearing date feedback, we just have to share ....
DATING DO’S
- Be on time! This is so important. It is uncomfortable for anyone to sit and wait for someone, especially a first date.
- Keep it light and fun on the first few dates.
- Be polite and kind, regardless of chemistry.
- Ask lots of good questions to find out more about them. What do they do in their free time, do they like to travel, what are their hobbies …
- Be sure there is a good back and forth in conversation. If you find you are doing most of the talking, pause and ask more good questions.
- Don’t be too quick to judge. Sometimes it takes a few dates to get a good sense of someone.
- Remember the purpose of a first date is to see if you want a second one. If you do, make plans, exchange numbers etc.
- Keep your expectations in check and don’t be over invested in the outcome. Remember, you are not going to click with everyone and it isn’t realistic to think you will.
- Pay attention to body language. Smile, make eye contact and show off your flirty side
- Dress in something that makes you feel fabulous. Women no turtlenecks and men no running shoes. (**note to all ** running shoes are for running and have no business being on a lunch, drink or dinner date) A good first date outfit is upscale casual. Clean pressed jeans are great if paired with heels and a blouse for women or great shoes and a buttoned shirt for men.
- Most of all HAVE FUN!! Even if your date is not a match, enjoy yourself and contribute to the date! Who knows? They may know someone who is great for you, they may be a good networking contact, a tennis partner or theatre buddy. It is always a shame to not enjoy every situation you find yourself in.
DATING DON’TS
- Talk on your cell phone, text or check messages while you are on a date. It is rude and unacceptable.
- Talk about exes, past dates, or the dating service. While we understand that it is the one thing you know you have in common, it is one of the biggest complaints we get. Your date doesn’t want to hear about former dates or partners; the focus should be on them. Even if they bring it up, politely move on as it will come back to bite you!
- Talk about politics, religion or things that may get heated before you know someone’s communication style. These things are best left to date 3 and beyond
- Don’t over analyze everything. It takes time to get to know someone and how they think or who they are. Keep an open mind and give them (and their statements) the benefit of the doubt.
- Drink too much .. 1 or 2 tops (We are the only ones who think we are charming when we have one too many)
OUR VIEW ON “THE BILL”
We may be controversial here with some, but after speaking to thousands of women we have a good handle on how they think!
If you want a second date, gentlemen, pay the bill! When the bill arrives, immediately and discreetly move it to your side of the table. DO NOT let it sit in the middle of the table. It makes for an awkward end to the date. If she offers to pay half, don’t cave. (Sorry, she will still judge you .. Uh huh ! … it seems complicated but just trust us here)
If she insists, then fine … but that is the only time you let her take out her wallet.
For right or wrong, this is one of those things that isn’t going to change anytime soon. The good news is that generally speaking, women are (by nature) very giving and a good relationship will find a beautiful balance of give and take. You are asking us for beautiful, intelligent and above average women? These women are looking for a gentleman and yes that means pay the bill, hold the door and walk on the outside of the street.
Again, have fun and enjoy yourself. As long as you are realistic, the right person WILL come along so enjoy this journey!!
Karen and Karren are available for dating coaching. We can work on confidence, conversation skills, wardrobe and styling and how to get clear on what we are REALLY looking for. For more information contact us at info@matchmakingcanada.comSurvey Results are in! Who should pay?
by Karren Gauvin on 04/03/12
Karen & Karren have been on the trail with Matchmaking Canada asking questions about who should pay on a date!! It has generated a lot of debate and conversation ...
We polled our clients, respondents and contacts to find out what people are REALLY thinking about who should pick up the tab! 220 people were polled and no surprise, 85 percent of the respondents were women! Men, we know you are at times confused about this so pay attention here !!!
An overwhelming 72% thought the man should pay the bill. 21% thought the bill should be paid by whoever initiated the date and a small percentage (mostly under age 25) thought the bill should be split.
Here is the kicker! Although not everyone thought the man "should" pay, a whopping 96 percent of respondents said they would judge the other person negatively if they didn't offer!!
This tells us a few things .... Women seem to be more willing to log in and give us their 2 cents on this and they also seem to hold onto the traditional idea that the man pays the bill. For right or wrong, this is how they feel about it.
As experienced matchmakers (and we have talked to thousands of singles about this!!) we can tell you, that the results are not a huge surprise to us. The feedback on a man that doesn't pay the bill is seldom positive. Is it fair? It depends on the situation and the people involved.
To the defense of women (and we speak generally of course as there are always exceptions), women tend to be nurturing and giving in many other ways. Cooking a meal, remembering important dates, picking up gifts, caring for extended families, organizing social events .... etc ...
Ideally when it
comes to give and take, it all evens out. In the meantime, our advice
to men who want a second date? Pick up the tab, gentlemen ...
Who Should Pay on a Date? Survey!
by Karren Gauvin on 02/27/12
You are out on a first, second or third date? Who should pay the bill?
It is a question we often get and can be confusing to singles in the dating scene. Take our survey and stay tuned!
WHO SHOULD PAY ON A DATE? Click the link below and take our survey!
We will be publishing the results and sharing our dating tips!
